Oh God, what just happened?!?
December 28, Three days after Christmas. And only hours after the Third and Final Family Christmas Gathering(TM).
Every single year, without fail, on the morning after the Third and Final Family Christmas Gathering(TM), I think the same thing:
"I made it".
But this morning as I ducked into the minivan to head back to work, my annual sense of utter relief was shattered by a disturbing realization that I may have another couple days...or weeks even...of Holiday distress. Why? Here's why:
"I ate it".
What? Everyone does, you say. Oh no, no no. You have no idea.
I ate it.
I ate it all.
This Christmas, I had no shame whatsoever. I went all Dr. Seuss on it:
I ate it small,
I ate it big,
I ate the beef,
I ate the pig.
I ate that cookie on the tray.
33,642 of them? Yes way.
Did I stuff the turkey?
Yes, down my throat.
I drank the gravy
straight from the boat.
I hit the fridge all day and all night.
"Oh what the hell, what's one more bite!"
That macaroni ornament
I made when I was three?
Yep. I ate that.
Right off the tree.
I'm not kidding. It was horrible. 40 year-old pasta, glue, sequins and a photo of Preschool Me in a hideous sweater. Down the hatch because it was food.
I made Sir Edmund Hillary's ghost proud:
"Why did you eat that?!?"
"Because it's there."
My Mother-in-Law actually complimented me when she held a Tupperware full of 1,000 of her cream wafer cookies open for me and I politely declined.
"My what willpower!"
She had no idea.
I had already glommed down a metric shit-ton of them with my morning coffee. I only refused her offer because my jaw was locked from exhaustion. Three minutes later, I was back in action.
I ate them all.
I ate the container lid.
Across 3 families, two turkeys, two prime rib roasts, six types of stuffing, green bean casseroles, pounds and pounds of mashed and scalloped potatoes, cranberry rings, 7-tier cookie trays, and God knows what else. All I know is that serving dishes arrived full from my right and departed empty to my left.
I ate it.
I ate it, and I ate it all this year.
As of approximately 11:30 Central time, December 28, 2016, I vow:
I'm never eating again.